Bowers Report

2009-01-17T21:58:00.000-08:00

It finally happened: an agent has shot an uninfected civilian. I've spent most of the day under armed guard in my room since it's too dangerous to travel to the infirmary. The vaccine is finally turning the tide, but the town is on lock-down because some boozer mistook an agent for an infected. We haven't had a documented rogue for days, and we tried to let the public know, but undercurrents of a civil war have been boiling for a while now.

But it's not like there's riot going on right now. Actually there's nothing. Only the occasional patrol car breaks the silence. But isn't this the calm before the storm, or the eye of the storm, or something bad?

It's surprisingly difficult to find an unsupervised moment. I'm currently in the bathroom, typing on the toilet (with the lid down, of course; I'm not that gross). The guards aren't technically supposed to be in my room without reason, but I think they installed something yesterday. I've been reading parts of Goethe aloud and practicing my Elaine dance just in case.

I wish I had my hula chair so I could at least work out during my down time.

2009-01-16T04:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. It's getting kind of scary out there, and I don't mean the infected. Who knew that I would be scared of my own government one day? I've become used to not being able to sleep due to random shouts/screams/gutturals, but recently the noises have been either preceded or quickly followed by the distinctive sound of a Glock 22 (or less frequently, 23). It's not the shot itself that's bothersome, but the utter silence that follows.

And while you would think that protecting the town is cut and dry, Clint patiently explained to me that recently the townspeople have been jumping the gun (so to speak) and attacking anyone who appears to be exhibiting signs of infection. In other words, the FBI not only has to protect the citizens from the infected, but the infected from the citizens, and ultimately the citizens from themselves. Fortunately the curfew and military presence has helped tone things down, but still...it's frightening.

Personally, I've only witnessed one fatality. A young girl in the triage unit had broken her restraints and became aggressive. We have policies, but in the time it took me to jerk open the haloperidol box a stationed agent shot her three times. Dead. I knew it before she collapsed on the floor, but I still scrambled with the latex gloves and gauze. I want so badly to be angry at the agent, but their shifts have been long and tense, and he looked utterly devastated. They sent him back the same day.

They don't make incident reports for this kind of thing.

I should have known better

2009-01-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

You guys are like little children, I swear. I don't suppose anyone knows anything about the Post Office being swarmed yesterday? No? Of course not. Between my warnings and your marvelous self-restraint we are proving to the FBI that we can be trusted with life-saving information.

I know how frustrating the situation is. I'm sure you're all sick of the antiseptic smell pervading town. I too crave the fresh grease of fast food. And let's hear it for the only vehicles permitted on the streets: you rock, unmarked SUVs and cop cars. But seriously, if you had gotten your hands on the vaccine, would you know how to use it? Or would you just waste it in your misguided, panic-driven state?

Assholes.

2009-01-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I couldn't post yesterday. I spent most of it briefing Clint on THE BRAND SPANKING NEW VACCINE that is slated to come in sometime this morning. My bad, did I just shout that? It doesn't matter, right? Good news like this deserves to be shared with everyone.

But federal agents don't think like you and I. They don't walk into the makeshift triage unit and see the sunken eyes of friends and relatives who hope that their loved one will be the exception and wake up unchanged. Apparently being a special agent means your sleep isn't disturbed by what I wish like hell was an animal cry. Clint is positive we'll have a riot on our hands if the general populace has any inkling of the vaccine's existence, and despite the fact that just yesterday three more people were added to the confirmed list I'm prohibited from sharing the first scrap of hope to come our way in a long time.

For now, be of good cheer and do not, for the love of everything and everyone you hold dear, tell a soul about this blog.

What was the first rule of this blog?

2009-01-06T23:56:00.000-08:00

Um.

Why has my blog's readership tripled?

2009-01-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

The first good news in ages: a vaccine is on its way. The squints in Bethesda have isolated the virus and I expect results on lab experiments any moment. Thank god. I immediately wrote up a press statement (because lord knows we need all the hope we can get) but when I called the police chief he passed the phone off to Special Agent Clint Steel. I swear FBI think they're rock stars. They arrive in the field fashionably late, walk around with an entourage of groupies, and generally act surprised if you don't drool over their very presence. Please.

"So Clint," I said, "I just received some great news. The CDC is developing a vaccine as we speak, and I think we should let people know." I didn't call him Special Agent because the only thing that makes them special is falling within an age range and running a mile a little faster, but apparently the omission got us off on the wrong foot. He replied in a stereotypical clipped monotone that I wasn't authorized to release any information, and if the time came for a press conference I would not be conducting it. All information regarding virus research is to be treated as confidential subject to his sole discretion, and was he making himself clear enough?

Which makes this blog more than my emotional outlet. A whole lot more (about 15-30 years, depending on the charge, although if it's considered treason they technically have the option of death). To the few of you following my blog: please keep it to yourself. In return, I promise to be 100% honest and complete in everything I post here. But please, please, please. The first rule of this blog is that you don't talk about this blog. The second rule is...

But it's not like they could google key words in this blog and trace it back to me, right?

There's almost no chance I'll get to name the virus, but if they ask I've got one ready: adazumbi virus(zumbi is West African for...well you can guess). That'll put this town on the map.

2009-01-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

Spent New Year's scooping out brain matter to send back to Maryland. A body of a confirmed was found behind the hardware store, death by BFT. This is unfortunately becoming more common, as the diseased tend to be combative after coming out of their psuedo-comas. I've asked the police to remind people not to take matters into their own hands, but I almost pissed my pants examining a tranquilized patient in five point restraints so I can't really talk.

Hoping to get tissue and blood sample results back in a few days. Between the location, the weather, and the situation supplies are running low and people are getting desperate. Hell, my rental was broken into and most of my hypodermics stolen because of a rumor that I was hoarding the vaccine. Press conferences quickly devolve into combat sport, and on the whole I'm really beginning to wish I pursued that concealed weapons permit. As it is, the CDC has asked for a local police escort to follow me around and there are some hints that the FBI has taken an interest in the outbreak.

I know, I know, I thought it might have been a bioterrorist attack too but then I looked around and remembered this town got excited over a new postmaster. Come on, people.

2008-12-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time, but I've got to pause this insanity somehow. People are dropping like flies, healthy people. I mean, young adults who would likely pull through a Bundibugyo Ebolavirus outbreak are becoming comatose at an alarming rate. And in case anyone thinks I mean this metaphorically, I want to be clear that individuals from all ages and demographics (though honestly there's not a whole lot of variation in this town)are quite literally slipping into comatose states.

That's why, for the first time in my career, I called for a city to be quarantined (why the hell couldn't it have been Chicago?). Travel in and out of town is currently suspended, and is about to be enforced by the Ohio National Guard. Various buildings have been converted into triage units, holding facilities, etc. Cathy wasn't going to give the order until I gave the latest estimates: 31 confirmed, 68 possible. And I still don't know what's causing it. All cultures are negative, spread rates are rather fast but still within the range of person-to-person contact. While animals have been found mutilated, it doesn't appear they were infected.

Which is my next point. A point that would certainly get me fired and probably involuntarily committed. Gah...I can't say it. Just watch this and tell me what comes to mind: http://maxinealexander.blogspot.com/2008/12/max-cant-sit-still.html

That was Maxine, eleven days ago.

2008-12-30T03:24:00.000-08:00

Can't fall back asleep. The CDC contact at Lima Memorial called about an hour ago to let me know that their extended history of the primary case revealed nothing. Great.

Have I mentioned we still can't find her? I suppose I could use her real name, no one reads this anyways. Fine: Maxine. She's missing. She was released from the hospital on Thursday, on Saturday went to a party (really people! where do you get these ideas? she just got out of the freaking hospital!) and no one's seen her since. Fantastic stuff, honestly. According to her boyfriend, she was lethargic until she got to the party, at which point she began acting *ahem* promiscuously. Supposedly she didn't ingest any illegal drugs or alcohol, but instead of adding full frontal snogging to the case definition I'm just going to assume someone slipped her some MDMA or GHB. Could have caused a psychotic break. After all, her apartment window was broken and the screen looks scratched from the inside (thank you, CSI Miami!). I just hope she's not outside in this weather.

Fuck, they just called me with another update. Confirmed: 12. Probable: 23. This is going to get ugly fast.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

2008-12-29T00:17:00.000-08:00

God, what a long day. The nearest actual airport was Columbus, so two hours in a rented car later I decided to blink and missed Ada completely.

So I was late for my first meeting with the mayor, the president of Ohio Northern University, the director of residence life, the police chief, a doctor from the clinic and two from the town. What a good first impression. Fortunately they were scared out of their wits and hey, a late savior is still a savior.

Several problems: incubation and communicability periods are both complicated by the number of sick students who left and the absence of the potential primary case (more on this later, I'm sure). Coma is most certainly going to be added to the case definition. Confirmed: 9. Probable: 14. Discharge records from the nearest hospitals indicate baseline levels of case definition symptoms, so...I really have no clue what's going on. I hope it's not Waynesville all over again.

And now it's snowing. Great.

Figures

2008-12-27T06:26:00.000-08:00

Impeccable timing, as usual. In two days I'm to make my way out to Ada, Ohio (I had to squint to make it out on the map). Tiny town with what I'm hoping is a tiny problem so that me and my bottle of Veuve Clicquot can still make our date.

It's your typical enteric outbreak I'm betting, what with a college there (a highly mobile, transient population) and lack of immediate access to an emergency room (more likely to skip their PMDs and antibiotics and just camp out with a dehumidifier and a bowl of chicken noodle soup). Case definition appears to be fever and exhaustion (so I'm thinking diarrhea as well), followed in some cases by what local officials call a coma, but I'm not so sure. They've already canceled school and asked the sick students to be picked up. Of course, if they would have asked me I would have had them all stay put so my line list wouldn't be so messy, but whatever.

I ship out in two days, which means my neighbor's going to have to sign for my AccuSharp Shear Scissor Sharpener. And she already thinks I'm weird.

SSDD

2008-12-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

Really, most winters create quite a few sick people. The close quarters, the traveling, all the intimate hugging and gift exchanging...honestly, I usually live for the good A/H3N2 viral outbreak, but this season is dry. And I already told my folks I was going to be deployed over Christmas. Now I'll be a lonely liar.

Good god, I would kill for a deadly outbreak right now.

It's Drizzling

2008-12-15T00:58:00.000-08:00

Feeling a little less grumpy than usual tonight. I don't know, it's just getting to be time for another field assignment and I'm really hoping I'm not going to spend another Christmas alone in my drafty apartment. It's much better spent in a musty hotel room. Trust me.

As if the Big City Slider Station wasn't enough to make me want company.

...

2008-12-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

You're supposed to look for the positive, right? I thought about that on the commute home. And then over dinner. And then some more through the news. The only thing I could think of was that I finished the Kentucky report. Honestly.

Let me review my day: I woke up with a headache. I forgot to get coffee. I was late to work. I accidentally walked into the men's restroom. Cathleen got on my back about relicensure. And now I just banged the shit out of my knee on the Hawaii chair. I can't even say my abs look different. In fact, it's killing my back. Gah...

Finally!

2008-12-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

My Ultra Twist Fitness Hawaii Chair finally came in!@ I was a little worried cause I ordered it from a user on Amazon (I guesds the original company went bankrupt?), but it looks great and works even better. It's like a standard office chair except the seat swivels/rotats around, working your entire core. Aand damn does it work. It's friggin amazing.

It's not that hard to do normal things, lik type or drink coffee. In fact, that's when it works best: you use your abdominals to maintain stanbility. If you're interested, you really should check it out on YouTube.

I'm going to buy myself a goal bikini.

Dr. Nguyen, or How I Learned to Love the Copier

2008-12-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

So there I was, writing up reports when who should approach but the man who gets morally outraged when someone (ahem) offhandedly says "gamma-proteobacteria get a bad rap". Honestly, that's verbatim, but next thing the lunchroom knows we're knee-deep in a detailed (and handily chronological)survey of related articles in the BMJ. My god, it was bad.

Anyway, Nguyen walks up and asks if I know how to cite a Supreme Court case. Instead of gratifying him with an "oooh, that sounds exciting. What's it for?" I shrugged and directed him to this new thing called Google. But did that stop him?

"Cause I'm contributing to the MSU research on the Ganges River. You know, in India?"

Though I ground my tongue into hamburger, I couldn't help asking what, exactly, the Supreme Court had to do with it?

"It's just the Supreme Court of India has taken an interest in our research. The head of MSU's microbiology department called the other day and--"

I stood suddenly. "You hear that? I think the copier's broken again. I'd better go take a look." I didn't leave the copier's side until I heard Miller ask rather loudly if India even had a Supreme Court.

The Why of it all

2008-12-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

This is not a diary. It is not an excersize. It is not a testament. This is simply a place for me to voice my opinions, specifically those unwelcome in a workplace environment.

In otherwords, bitch.

For example, Christine was in rare form today: we ran out of coffee so someone made a pot of decaf. Not a big deal, right? Unless you're a caffeine addict, in which case it's considered perfectly normal to hold up a "Cost Conscious" seminar until your secretary brings you back a cinnamon dolce cappucino with an extra shot of espresso. Thank god no one forgot the nutmeg.

The seminar was a bit of a downer, too. The vice president of the emergency response (oh, sorry, "Regional Crises Management and Response") department is apparently feeling the economic crunch. Not only did he direct Christine to remind us catalogue and return all unused equipment (even batteries) from our field deployments, but I'm sure he also went home and only drank a '92 rather than his usual '76. Bastard.